My Fellow Americans…

Tonight’s the night. Commander Codpiece will stand in front of millions of Americans (and Nancy Pelosi!) and give his little speech on how great America’s doing. I almost wish I had cable, or even an antenna on the roof just so I could see the Littlest Dummie, with his ‘trying-so-hard-to-be-serious-and-not-smirk’ look, look across the room and hear only the LieberIdiot and the McCainBot clapping at all his pre-planned “applause pauses.”

Here’s what I suggest the President say, if he wants to hear lots of applause and cheering in the streets:

My fellow Americans

I come to you tonight knowing I am a pathetic, untrustworthy loser. My entire Administration and a great many members of my party have been impillicastered….uh, uh…implicacatered…uh uh…caught in scandal after scandal. 3047 men and women in uniform and hundreds of thousands of Iraqis have died because of the lies I told and the lies Dick and Karl and Scooter….and well, ever’body told.

Ever’thing I’ve touched has turned to mud.

Therefore, I am resigning as President. [*Cheney's face glows with unholy light*] But before I do, I am ordering the resignation of every senior member of my administration. [*Cheney collapses to the floor, clutching his chest*]

Also, I will turn myself and my Vice-President… [*looks at the floor*]…if he survives…Secretary of State Rice, and former Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld over to the International War Crimes Tribunal at The Hague. [*Laura Bush begins laughing maniacally and lights up a smoke*]

Tomorrow, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court will swear in the Speaker of the House, the Honorable Nancy Pelosi as President.

I can’t ask for your forgiveness, an’ I don’ expect it. I can only apologize for the great disaster my Presidency has been on this nation.

May God continue to bless America.

And may God have mercy on my soul. [*tears roll down his cheeks*]

Thank you, and good night.

But, of course, that’s not what we’ll hear. We’ll hear something like this:

Blah, blah, blah. Oil dependency….blah blah Bible verse blah. 9/11 blah War on Terror blah blah success blah victory blah 9/11 blah blah democratic Iraq blah we were attacked blah blah blah deaths not in vain blah Bible verse blah blah.